


Catharsis

by shatteredcrystalwings



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-17
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-09-21 08:09:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17040017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shatteredcrystalwings/pseuds/shatteredcrystalwings
Summary: Something has Ash on edge, and Eiji isn't going to let him wallow in it alone.





	Catharsis

**Author's Note:**

> Nothing is mentioned in any detail but, due to the themes of the series, this fic does allude to past rape and abuse.

Consciousness wormed its way rudely into Eiji’s mind at an hour far too late. With a deadline for a freelance gig he had been working on for the last month looming over his head, he had stayed up until well after after a reasonable time mulling over photos that never looked quite right, only giving up once Photoshop crashed for a third time and fatigue pulled heavy at his eyes. He had slunk into bed where Ash was already slumbering soundly, climbing over him to take his spot on the side closer to the wall. It was something he had learned over the past few years: Ash never liked to sleep boxed against the wall by someone else’s body. As for why, Eiji had known not to ask.

Trying to claw his way back to the sleep he had been so rudely pulled from, he rolled over, an arm stretching out to rest over Ash’s chest, warm and familiar.

Or, it should have been.

He had barely touched the other man when he felt that body beneath his fingers tense and jerk away, heard the clamour of Ash falling inelegantly to the hardwood floor and struggling against the sheets that had been pulled off the bed with him.

Immediately, Eiji was sitting up, half noticing that the empty space beside him was damp with sweat as he leaned over to flick on the lamp. “Ash?” Lethargy still laced his voice, but worry had already taken the forefront.

When the light hit Ash, his eyes were wide and panic stricken, pausing for a moment on Eiji before darting around as they searched for what they had expected to see. The sheet had completely tangled itself around him, its absence likely part of the reason Eiji had woken in the first place, and Ash’s hand groped blindly at the empty floor looking for a knife, a gun, anything that could be used as a weapon.

“Ash.” Eiji moved forward, closing the majority of the distance between them but still giving him space. Ash leaned forward, eyes moving to the door, not looking for an escape but instead still looking for the monster from the dream. For Golzine or Marvin or Foxx. “Ash, look at me.”

His fingers twisted in the sheet as he finally turned his gaze back to Eiji’s and, gradually, reality seemed to come back to him. His panting breaths slowed, his eyes darted less and less towards that dark expanse beyond the door, his mouth closed and set into a hard line.

After a few minutes, without saying a word, he stood and got back into the bed, throwing the sheet back over the two of them as Eiji returned to his side. “Are you alright? It’s been a while since you last…”

“I’m fine. Go back to sleep,” he said curtly, switching off the light that had barely had time to warm.

When he lied back down, his back was facing Eiji. He wanted to reach out and place a comforting hand on it, wrap an arm around him and pull him against his body. “Is it alright if I touch you?” he asked.

There was a long pause before an answer came. “...Not tonight.”

* * *

A few days later when Ash returned home from his evening classes, kicking his shoes off unceremoniously at the door, Eiji barely had time to greet him before he was pulled into a searing kiss. He hastily shut off the stovetop before smiling into the embrace. “Someone’s eager today,” he teased lightly as Ash’s hands roamed to his hair, his waist, his ass, yanking at clothing as he pulled him towards the bedroom. Eiji was halfway through unbuttoning Ash’s own shirt when he felt something wet against his cheek and realized with a start that the hands on him weren’t eager; they were desperate.

Immediately, he pulled away, but Ash only lowered his lips to mouth and bite at his neck. “Hold on...”

Ash moaned against his skin, moving his hands to Eiji’s hips to slip beneath the hem of his jeans before Eiji caught them. “Ash, stop!”

The ministrations froze as soon as the word was out of his mouth and a second later Ash jerked back, hands retracting from Eiji as if burnt. When he looked into his eyes, they were overflowing with a cocktail of fear and guilt and something else. He took a step back and then another, putting distance between them without breaking their gaze until his hand raised to fist in his own hair, spinning on his heel and rushing out of the room.

Eiji paused only a moment before following.

Something was wrong and dammit if he wasn’t going to do something about it.

He found him on their tiny balcony, kneeling and barefoot in the shallow snow with one hand bracing himself on the railing and the other pressed against his mouth as if holding back sick. Eiji was there in a second, no mind paid to the cold as he knelt at his boyfriend’s side, reaching out a hand before stopping. “Is it okay if I touch you?”

After a beat, Ash nodded.

Carefully, lightly, he placed his hand on Ash’s back, rubbing circles until he felt the tight muscles finally start to relax. “I’m sorry,” he said after a while, so quiet Eiji almost missed it. In response, he moved to gently pry Ash’s hand from the railing, guiding him but not forcing him until they were facing each other, arms wrapping around Ash’s shoulders that were shaking. Whether or not it was from the cold, he couldn’t say. “I’m sorry,” he said again. “I’m sorry, I’m-”

“Stop.” Eiji cut him off, voice firm but not loud. “You don’t need to apologize.”

Ash leant back, his eyes still heavy with guilt when they met Eiji’s. “But you said wait. You told me to wait and I kept going even though I should know better than any-”

“Ash!” he interrupted him again and, this time, there was the barest hint of anger in his voice. “It’s fine, okay? I didn’t mind you touching me, but that wasn’t _you._ You weren’t yourself; I stopped you because I was _worried_. Something happened, didn’t it?”

After flapping his mouth a few times, searching for an answer, Ash tore his gaze from Eiji’s and stood, walking back into the apartment. “Nothing happened. Don’t worry about it.”

Puffing his cheeks, Eiji followed. “You know you don’t have to hide it from me! Did someone at the university do something? One of your classmates, or a teacher or-”

“I said it was nothing!” Ash didn’t look at him, instead opening and closing the kitchen cupboards, searching for something that wasn’t there. “No one did anything, nothing happened. I’m just being stupid and paranoid because-” He broke off, staring into the cupboard in front of him without looking at it.

“Because?”

Furrowing his brows in annoyance, Ash slammed the cupboard closed and finally looked at him again, bracing his hand on the laminate countertop.”Because one of the fucking teachers drives the same model car Golzine did. That’s all, that’s _fucking_ all. It’s _nothing_.”

“Ash…”

“And every day I walk onto campus and I have to see that _fucking_ car,” he continued unurged, tears starting to fall silently down his cheeks. “And every single time, there’s a split second where I think he’s back even though I saw him fall. I _saw_ him die, but I see that car and all I can fucking think about is-”

Wordlessly, Eiji moved towards him and raised his arms in question and, wordlessly, Ash gave a slight nod. He pulled him into his arms, feeling the tears wet his shoulder.

Ash fisted his hands in the back of his shirt, continuing to ramble as he tried to get out everything he had been holding back. “I thought I was done feeling like this. It’s been _months_ since I had these damn nightmares but all it took was to see that car and now- It’s all I can think about all fucking day. All I can think about is that he’s there somewhere just waiting, laughing at me, ready to force me back and make me- make me- ...And I would _go_ because it’s better than him hurting you again and- I’m just so sick of all of this, Eiji.”

Eiji tightened the hug, wishing that if they just stayed like this long enough, if he didn’t let go, he could chase away everything that had ever hurt Ash. Chase away the horrible memories and the nightmares and the traumas that had outlived the men who caused them. That all the pain would wash away in the tears, never to return once they were gone.

If only reality was so kind.

Instead, the best Eiji could do was to help him work through it. Slowly, the shaking and the tears stopped and, breaking their embrace for only a few moments, Eiji lead him to the worn couch, guiding him down so that they were lying in each other’s arms with a thin blanket over them. Ash buried his head into his shoulder, breathing becoming intentionally slow and paced as Eiji pressed soft kisses into his hair.

After a while, Eiji reached out and fumbled for the television remote, switching through the channels until he found a sitcom and, a few minutes later, Ash turned in his arms to watch in vague interest. Just as the episode was coming to a close, Eiji felt as much as heard Ash’s stomach rumble. “I think we have a pizza in the freezer. Want me to put it on?” he asked.

Ash twisted to look up at him, and Eiji was relieved to see the tears had fully stopped, though his eyes would probably remain puffy and red until the morning. “You were making something when I came in, though.”

He shrugged as much as their position allowed. “I had only just started it; I can put it in the fridge for tomorrow. Today, cuddling you is more important.” To emphasize his point, he nuzzled his face into the base of Ash’s neck, indulging in the way the soft hairs tickled him.

“Fine. Pizza it is.”

As he started to get up, Eiji saw Ash looking up at him expectantly and couldn’t help a smile from spreading on his lips and he leant back down again to kiss him, lingering for just a moment before pulling away again.

When he turned around from pulling out the pizza and setting the oven to pre-heat, he saw Ash smiling at him, wrapped up snugly in the blanket. He looked like a kid who had succeeding in playing sick to stay home from school.

“What is it?” Eiji asked, unable to keep a hint of his giggle out of his voice.

He smirked. “Don’t think I’ll tell you. It might inflate your ego even more.”

“And who’s the cheeky little one with the bigger ego?”

Ash made a noise as if he was really mulling over the subject. “Probably you. My big ego is justified.”

Eiji pursed his lips before turning to open up the fridge again. “Y’know, I think I have half a pineapple in here somewhere, maybe I’ll add some to the pizza…”

“Eiji, don’t you dare.”

Grinning at his victory, he returned to the couch, sitting beside Ash’s legs and leaning down so his arms were on either side of his boyfriend. “Only if you tell me why you were smiling.”

Ash averted his gaze, embarrassment clear on his face and in those slightly pouted lips that made Eiji want so much to kiss him again. “...I was thinking how lucky I was to have you.”

Feeling his face stretch into a goofy grin against his will, Eiji peppered Ash’s face with kisses, only increasing his assault as the boy beneath him laughed. Satisfied, he pressed a longer, proper kiss to Ash’s lips, and it soon morphed into a kinder version of what Ash had started earlier. No pain, no desperation. Just love, through and through.

**Author's Note:**

> I read Madeline Miller's _Circe_ back around June and something that really stuck with me from that was that _katharsis_ originally meant to bleed oneself in order to purge the body of poison. Seeing it termed as a physical act made it feel like a much heavier thing.
> 
> My Tumblr and Twitter are bizarrequazar if you want to join me in crying over these boys ; ;


End file.
